Seven Stages of Covid Grief

 

Today it hit me. I am in grief. Grief for the life that we had once so freely lived. Grief for the school that I called home. Grief for my three kids and the privilege of sending them to a school with teachers who love and care for them in person. Grief for the job my husband once went to but as a manager of a retail store, he is now furloughed. Grief for the ability to sneak in moments for me.

I also am starting to recognize that I have been going through the stages.

Shock and Denial

During the beginning of all of this, I remember thinking, this can't be real, right? I'm going to wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a bad dream. I also found myself saying, "It really can't be that bad, right?" I really was in denial about the Corona Virus.

Pain and Guilt

Then, it all hit me. The pain of what I knew was coming. So many teachers who would need support. How could we actually do this? I also felt bad about my denial. I felt guilt that I hadn't done enough sooner.

Anger and Bargaining

I quickly moved to anger. I was pissed off at governments, those in power, the world. I wished that I could just yell enough that it would change the current circumstance. Sadly, it did not. I wished that maybe we could have some time off and then get to return to class as usual. 

Depressing, Reflection, Loneliness

When my school announced closure, we had a professional development day already planned. The topic quickly switched and I led training for my school staff and moved from department to department helping them in 25 minute increments. At the end of my time at school, I packed up my room and drove home a bit slower than normal. I remember pulling into the driveway and not wanting to open the garage door because after that, it was real. Then, a few days ago I was forced to start to make phone calls to our mortgage lenders and credit card companies. For the first time I had to say words out loud about how scared I actually was. I got off the phone and cried and cried and cried some more. I'm not someone who is used to sharing fear. I hold it together, so this was new territory for me.

The Upward Turn

After all the tears, I couldn't cry anymore. I started to realize some of the positives of this moment. Teachers were reaching out more and actually collaborating. Friends who heard me share my fear, reached out to me and offered to support me if it was needed. Teachers were grateful for all the help I was providing and showed a great deal of gratitude for the time I spent supporting them.

Reconstruction and Working Through

Then, I had to face it. I had helped my staff, created resources, was feeling that despite the overflow of resources thrown my way, I was walking through this firehose and only focusing on what I needed. It was hard but I could rebuild.

Acceptance and Hope

It is hard to say that I am hopeful in this moment, but what I will say is I have never seen such an extreme turnaround from Educators in my 18 years in the classroom. Those who vowed never to use technology or to never change are seeking out support and trying things they have never used before. More are recording videos, trying apps, and actually using the systems that our school has had in place. They are thinking about not only what they teach, but what is most essential. In addition, they are thinking about pedagogy. With all that we have to deal with as educators, it really is hard to seek change unless being forced to do so. I have accepted it. Tomorrow is officially our first day of virtual learning and I woke up this morning with a flood of ideas. Choice board for additional options after students complete essentials has been created, welcome video sent to students and families, 4 weeks of agendas and an overall unit plan made, my student teacher is prepped and ready, and I have supported staff and created how-to videos and guides. In addition, I have participated in chats with amazing educators from all around the world. It has brought us closer together. I can't change this. It is the moment we are living in. It might be scary but I have to believe that we will make it through and be stronger for it. 

Next Steps

I will continue to be there for my husband, my three kids, my students, my staff, and for myself. I will take time for me and remember to have lunch and take breaks. I will laugh and laugh often. I will put music on and dance. I will sing karaoke with my family. I will go on walks and see the sun. But ultimately, I will remember that I can only control what I can control. This is where we are. It is crazy, but it is real. I will have to face all the economic impact of this on Tuesday. Monday will be for my students. But, I will get there. I have to believe that we all will.